Do women struggle more with self-compassion?
Although many Kiwi men are raised to be tough, a Wellington psychologist says it's more often women who need permission to show themselves kindness.
When it comes to the process of befriending themselves, women often need more support, says clinical psychologist Ben Sedley.
"A lot of women, unfortunately, haven't been taught that it's okay to give yourself compassion.
"Yet if we don't give ourselves compassion, how are we going to be able to fully give it to others?" he tells Nine to Noon.
There's no point trying to hide your own emotional struggles from your children, Wellington psychologist Ben Sedley says.
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In Holding the Heavy Stuff - the much-requested "adult version" of his 2015 teen self-help guide Stuff that Sucks- Sedley shares practical advice for the many New Zealanders feeling worried, anxious and depressed about the world around them.
Drawing on ideas from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), he argues that while we can't choose our mind's endless parade of ideas and messages, we can choose to view thoughts as "content" rather than truth.
Some people don't know that they can work to soften the tone of their own inner critic, he says. But beating yourself up doesn't make things easier and takes up too much energy.
"You've never got the best out of a friend or a family member or an employee when you tell them how awful they are. Yet, for some reason, we think that's going to work for ourselves."
A parent struggling with their mental health often has people in their lives who - when asked - are happy to help out or listen to them "vent", says psychologist Ben Sedley.
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Instead, it's helpful to work on being present with and curious about difficult feelings with presence, with curiosity, Sedley says.
"Tune into that compassionate voice, which is kind, strong, confident and wise, support yourself."
We have to learn to make space in our bodies for feelings both pleasant and unpleasant, he says.
"Think 'there's room inside me for that distress' rather than 'I need to calm myself because I can't handle being worried' or 'I need to get rid of all the sadness because I can't handle being sad'."
Wellington psychologist Ben Sedley shares tools from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) in his new book Holding the Heavy Stuff.
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Children learn how to respond to depression by watching their parents, Sedley says, so be aware of the responses you're modelling.
"We're teaching our children how they need to act if they feel depressed in their lives later on. Will they learn to treat themselves with compassion and keep fighting and advocating for themselves?"
Because they'll be aware of it anyway, it's fruitless trying to completely hide your own emotional struggles from your children, he says.
"Give the message to children that, 'yep, things are hard right now, you're picking up on something. I'm not going to pretend there's nothing there'.
"[You could say], 'I'm feeling sad right now, and I'm going to make sure I look after myself, get the help I need'.
"Talking to my children, I say, 'Yeah, things are a bit tough right now, and we're dealing with it, and that might mean some changes, and we'll let you know when we've got this under control'."
Holding the Heavy Stuff is Wellington psychologist Ben Sedley's follow-up to Stuff That Sucks - a self-help guide for teenagers.
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Human beings aren't designed to handle every aspect of parenting on their own, he says. If you're clearly overwhelmed, there are likely people around who are keen to help out somehow.
"You can ask for some extra help with practical things. Can you pick the kids up from school?"
Calling a friend and asking to "vent" without them offering solutions can also be a big help.
If you're having a hard time emotionally, Sedley recommends seeking out things that calm you, practising kinder self-talk, eating a bit more healthily if possible and grabbing a sit-down when you can.
"Look after yourself in a way that not only allows you to look after your children ... but also demonstrates to them that you're worth it."
Where to get help
Help- Need to Talk? Free call or text 1737 any time to speak to a trained counsellor, for any reason.
- Lifeline: 0800 543 354 or text HELP to 4357.
- Suicide Crisis Helpline: 0508 828 865 / 0508 TAUTOKO. This is a service for people who may be thinking about suicide, or those who are concerned about family or friends.
- Depression Helpline: 0800 111 757 or text 4202.
- Youthline: 0800 376 633 or text 234 or email talk@youthline.co.nz.
- What's Up: 0800 WHATSUP / 0800 9428 787. This is free counselling for 5 to 19-year-olds.
- Asian Family Services: 0800 862 342 or text 832. Languages spoken: Mandarin, Cantonese, Korean, Vietnamese, Thai, Japanese, Hindi, Gujarati, Marathi, and English.
- Healthline: 0800 611 116.
- Eating Disorders Carer Support NZ: Also on Facebook.
If it is an emergency and you feel like you or someone else is at risk, call 111.
