How mothers are 'gaslit' into suppressing their 'completely normal' anger

No one warns you about the anger.

They talk of sleepless nights, a "love like no other", maybe even the odd meltdown. But not of the silent fury you might feel towards the demands of motherhood.

If you've ever snapped, shouted, or seethed, only to be flooded with guilt and shame, you're not alone.

In a culture that glorifies the selfless, grateful and patient mum, where does all that anger go? And what if it's not a sign you're failing?

Well, experts say maternal anger isn't just a normal response to "impossible" expectations: It's a vital sign about what mothers need — and aren't getting.

While 32-year-old Melanie Connell "loves being a mum," she doesn't hesitate when asked about the parts that frustrate her.

"What everyone else expects of you, the unsolicited advice … it doesn't seem to matter what avenue you go down: there's always judgement," she says.

"[But] what makes me angriest is the mental load that we carry: booking appointments, planning meals, remembering school events, all while working professionally."

Melanie says this is linked to society's expectation that mothers are the default parent and therefore carry the "emotional and logistical weight of the family".

Steph, also in her 30s, is another mum feeling the exhausting effects of that mental load.

Despite having a "very equal" split with her husband on household chores and childcare duties, Steph says she is never mentally free.

"It's the end of the night, the kids are in bed. We're unwinding. He'll be decompressing, whereas I'm still 'on' mentally about the kids," she says.

"What clothes do they need in the next size? When do the brands we like go on sale? I'm researching new recipes, discipline techniques, enrolling in activities like swimming lessons and taekwondo, ordering daycare labels, sleep sacks, backpacks and birthday presents.

A recent study found, on average, mothers reported being responsible for about 73 percent of all cognitive household labour (ie: the mental load) — compared with their partners' 27 percent.

And according to experts, the weight of that mental load, coupled with societal expectations, commonly leads to feelings of anger.

While a common experience, clinical psychologist Frances Bilbao says motherhood anger is often misunderstood.

"There's a little bit of that jump to 'this is dangerous, or this mum needs help immediately'," she says.

And while Bilbao says people should be aware of the red flags to watch for, indicating professional help might be needed, more education is needed to understand that anger is often a very "normal response" to the conditions of motherhood.

"Of course, violence or yelling or verbal abuse is never OK … we don't want our children to be exposed to that," she says.

"That is absolutely a time when we need to address those feelings and how you're managing that anger."

But while feelings of frustration and anger are common experiences, Dr Sophie Brock says many mums are "socially gaslit" out of expressing it.

The sociologist, who specialises in motherhood, says the "myth of the perfect mother" is to blame.

"We have this story [about motherhood] in our consciousness — collectively, culturally, individually — and then when we become a mother, there's this reckoning with what it's actually like," she says.

"You're faced with a reality which is so different to what you were sold.

"You're a human being… you're going to feel angry at times."

But she is quick to point out that feeling this way does not mean you're a bad mother.

"When mothers are told that they're not meant to feel this tension… we're asking ourselves to do the impossible."

Dr Brock says some mothers also fear they'll be ostracised from their social networks if they talk openly about their anger.

"Until we start to dismantle and problematise the perfect mother myth … love and anger are not seen as being able to coexist," she says.

"That's what really drives isolation and disconnection ... when mothers aren't able to talk openly about the very difficult and sometimes contradictory feelings that they have."

It's something Melanie is frustrated by, having noticed a lack of empathy when sharing the less-than-perfect parts of motherhood.

"We go through this huge change and this unbelievable time in our life, yet we're expected to just take it in our stride, and 'that's becoming a mother' or 'that's motherhood'," she says.

Adding to the pressure many mums feel is a "heightened anxiety around doing everything perfectly", according to Bilbao.

She says new mums are particularly vulnerable and many choose to keep their anger — and often their accompanying guilt — private.

"They think that if they were a good mother, they'd be able to cope and do it all because they think everyone else is," she says.

"But they don't know what's going on behind closed doors in other people's households."

Steph, who is in different mothers' groups for each of her children, says she has noticed newer mothers are more anxious about "coming across as a bad mum".

But she says once mums have been "in the trenches for a while", they are often an "open book" about the reality.

"The more you're in the mum world, the more you realise that mums aren't actually judging other mums," she says.

"We're all just scraping through, doing the best we can."

Bilbao says anger can be a useful tool for change and suggests mothers try to tune into their anger, instead of ignoring or internalising it, to identify which needs are not being met.

She says mums may find it useful to think about the following:

Bilbao says talking to a therapist or psychologist can also be beneficial as they provide a reflective space.

And according to Dr Brock, mums need to be kinder to themselves.

"It's not just you. You're not the only one struggling with this, and the fact that you're feeling this does not mean you're a bad mother," she says.

"Let's offer ourselves and each other a lot of compassion, because we are mothering in extremely fraught, difficult, and unprecedented times."