Talking to kids about death - 'We don't want them trying to figure it out for themselves'
Many parents worry about getting it wrong, but honest answers, concrete terminology and empathy go a long way, says a children's grief counsellor.
When you're talking to a child about death, use "concrete" words rather than euphemisms like 'passed away' to ensure you're not misunderstood, recommends Benjamin Jensen of Skylight Trust.
Up to the age of nine, kids can have "magical thinking", Jensen says, which means their imaginations can run wild with misinformation and self-blame.
"We want to make sure that we're being really clear with [children] about what death is, so that they don't think that A - it's reversible, or B - start to blame themselves," he tells Nine to Noon.
With kids six and under, parents need to be very clear that dying is something that happens to everyone at some point, Jensen says, but usually when they're much older.
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Generally between the ages of four to six, kids can grapple with the permanence of death, Jensen says. Between six and eight, they'll be able to understand factual information about it a bit better.
Because some children have 'health anxiety' around death, it's important with kids six and under that parents are very clear that dying is something that happens to everyone at some point, but usually when they're quite a bit older.
"Come in with that reassurance of ‘That's why we take you to the doctor, and we get checked, and we know that you're healthy and that you're okay. And we're here to support and look after you, and we're going to make sure we're going to the doctor as well to look after us, but sometimes these things do happen.
"We don't want to say ‘This will not happen, or 'This will not happen to someone you know' because that concrete language is something they'll hold on to, and we can't promise the future."
You might discuss the disease and how a person died, but you don't necessarily need to go into the full physiology of it, Jensen says.
You might say that their heart had something wrong with it, he suggests, rather than using a term like ‘heart attack’, which can sound really scary to a child.
In this case, to help reassure them, you could then do "a really sweet activity" of listening to their heart and saying 'You've got a nice, healthy heart' and having them listen to yours.
Being given a concrete concept of what death is helps a child know that another person's death has nothing to do with them, Jensen says.
"[Let them know] this happens, and people do get sad or maybe they get angry, and they might want to talk to others about it, so we're here if you want to.
"We really don't want them to go down this path of trying to figure it out for themselves."
Benjamin Jensen is a grief counsellor at Skylight Trust, an organisation that offers trauma and grief counselling and support for 5 to 24-year-olds.
