Ways to increase safety on a first date and red flags to watch for

Both people involved in a date are responsible for creating a safe environment, says sex and relationship therapist Kassandra Mourikis.

"We all have the capacity to cause harm, make someone feel uncomfortable, and discriminate."

We ask experts for their advice on increasing the safety of a first date.

Before meeting face-to-face, it's also important to consider safety when connecting online.

To ghost or give feedback? Sometimes it's about safety

Knowing when ghosting is the safer option, and having some kinder alternatives up your sleeve for when it's appropriate, may help in your future dating ventures.

Choose a dating app that has taken steps to improve user safety, recommends Jacquie O'Brien, director of communications and community change at Respect Victoria.

Some apps have thorough verification processes, such as asking users to provide a driver's licence, and easy reporting procedures if you experience abuse, she says.

"Have they signed up to the national voluntary code for dating apps and safety?"

Your boundaries should always be respected on dating apps, and you should never feel pressured to take the chat to another platform, or send photos or videos that make you feel uncomfortable, O'Brien says.

If you're concerned the person you are engaging with isn't who they say they are, "do an image search".

Certain communities will be more at risk online, for example, people of colour and people with disability, says Kassandra Mourikis.

"A black or brown person might experience racism or microaggressions on the app."

She says it's OK to end communication with someone who makes you feel uncomfortable.

"We can create a little bit more safety by being able to trust ourselves.

"Maybe we notice stuff earlier [than meeting in person] and listen to that, and decide to make a different decision, like to unmatch."

Ahead of meeting someone in person for the first time, Jacquie O'Brien recommends choosing a public place and letting someone know where you are going.

Avoid disclosing too much personal information, for example, where you live and work, she says. Something as innocent as saying "let's meet here, it's right by my work" may reveal more than is safe when first getting to know someone.

"It's sad we have to be mindful of that in this world, but we know we have a lot of personal information that can be very valuable to people and sometimes can be used against us."

Information about where you live and your children are some other examples.

Kassandra Mourikis says when arriving at a location to meet, it's a good idea to look around and see who might be able to support you if something were to go badly.

"Whether it's bartenders or waiters — where is a safe place I could be if I need it?"

Signs of disrespect may help inform you about how safe or kind the person you are dating is, says Jacquie O'Brien.

"Things like how they talk about their ex-girlfriends, or how they talk about women.

"How do they talk about different gender identities?"

She says even how they treat the waitstaff, if you're meeting at a restaurant, can be a good gauge.

Kassandra Mourikis says behaviours such as talking over you or criticising you can also be red flags.

On the flip side, being too charming or eager may also be warning signs.

"Maybe on a first date, they are pushing to go back to your place or their place," Jacquie O'Brien says.

Understanding love bombing can also help determine a safe person from an unsafe one.

"It might be that you just had a first date and suddenly you're getting a barrage of text messages," O'Brien says.

"If they continue when you say you need space, or turn aggressive, that's a sign they could be problematic and don't respect boundaries."

While it can feel flattering when someone is super into you, Kassandra Mourikis says you need to check in about how genuine that is.

"Do they know you enough to be super into you?"

And sometimes we may not be sure why someone is making us feel uncomfortable or unsafe, but it's "just a feeling", Mourikis explains.

"[You] might notice a feeling within yourself that something doesn't feel quite right … and we tend to learn to go along with things or overlook things.

"You might think 'I am overreacting' or 'I should give them a chance.'"

But "trusting our gut is one of the most important things we have when meeting new people and dating", says Jacquie O'Brien.

Explaining sexual 'aftercare'

While we may not always have time for a relaxed wind-down with our sexual partner or partners post-sex, "aftercare" can be as simple as asking someone how they are feeling.

Ahead of a date, it's helpful thinking about the things we can do to make the other person feel safe, too.

"It's worth asking: how do I make sure this person is comfortable around me?" says Jacquie O'Brien.

For example, if they don't want to give you their phone number, respect that boundary.

And ask for consent. "Is it OK if I give you my phone number?"

"Those things can just show that you like them, that' you're into them, but you're going to be respectful of them."

In dating, there can be a power imbalance and acknowledging that is helpful, says Kassandra Mourikis.

"You can't get rid of power, but you can try to mitigate the impacts by acknowledging it."

We should also look for signs that someone is feeling uncomfortable.

"Check in and ask what you can do to make them feel more OK."