‘Some people are in a season of friendlessness’

Relying on friendships to evolve without effort will ensure that loneliness endures, US podcaster and writer Danielle Bayard Jackson says.

“If we continue to think that friendship should just be natural and organic, then I think you're going to continue to see people who are lonely and disconnected,” Bayard Jackson told Afternoons.

Bayard Jackson is a friendship expert and host of the Friend Forward podcast.

Loneliness comes in three main forms, she says.

“The first is intimate loneliness, which means you don't have people who know you deeply. Most people have this satisfied by perhaps a best friend or romantic partner.”

Relational loneliness is a lack of having several friends, she says.

“Finally, collective loneliness, meaning you don't feel like you're a part of something bigger than yourself.”

Pinpointing which one you're experiencing helps, “get some direction in terms of where to move your feet to solve the problem".

People want friends, but don't always want to be a friend, so there is a mismatch of effort, she says.

“We use the word 'friend', and we're using the same language, but having different conversations.

“So, for some, when they say, Oh, I need friends, they mean, I need people who listen to me when I'm going through something big. But I don't really want to be inconvenienced and have to sit through your difficult feelings.”

Put your effort and focus into three to five close friends, she says.

“According to the research, we have the cognitive capacity to maintain three to five ultra-close relationships. So first, get clear on who are the people going to be?

“Because time's a limited resource. You've only got so much energy. And then how are you going to allocate those resources to this group?”

So how to do this? Get feedback from your friends, she suggests.

“If you don't know where to start, a simple place is to ask your friends, Hey, how am I doing?’ ‘How can I show up better for you? And for a lot of people, they get a little uncomfortable by the idea of asking friends that.

“But when we suggest, ask your romantic partner, hey, babe, let's check in, how am I doing? We're like, that's great advice”

It gets more difficult to make friends as we get older, she says, but there are ways to navigate this in our later years.

“Some people are in a season of friendlessness, and we hear research that says that we replace half of our friends every seven years. But if you're not positioned to do things to bring in fresh connections, then your churn rate is very low.

"You might find yourself in a season where you're kind of starting from scratch.”

She suggests three strategies to enrich your social life in later years.

“One is go with who you already know. I know that's not a fun, shiny tip, but a lot of us actually do know people.

“Maybe we lost touch, or we feel it's a little awkward to reach out after such a long period of time.”

Research, she says, shows we underestimate how much people actually like us.

“So, reach out to people you already know. Nobody said you have to start from scratch.”

Leverage the “super connectors” in your circle, she says.

“We all know that person who's like, ‘Oh, Tanya, you should meet my friend Tom’. There is no shame in saying, I'm looking to get more plugged in, and I thought of you because you're always doing something interesting.”

Lastly, become a regular somewhere, she says

“Where is somewhere you can go with regularity every day or every week that helps to start building some relationships as well?”