When your big plans for life differ from your partner's

How do we navigate relationships when one partner's plans or hopes for the future differ from the other?

Many couples strike this situation, particularly when it comes to big questions like family, where to live or retirement plans, says relationship coach Jo Robertson.

A conflict in values within a relationship usually stems from a deeper source, she told RNZ’s Nine to Noon.

"Our relationships are like trees, the branches or the leaves on the outside are the symptoms, that's what we see, that's the conflict that we have.

"But really, where that's stemming from is in the roots underneath the ground, and the values can be opposing."

Typical conflicts could be stability versus flexibility, connection versus independence or harmony versus honesty, she says.

“The conflict that you're having right now is not necessarily the conversation you need to have. You might need to go deeper to understand what the root values are.”

The Gottman Institute found that 69 percent of conflicts within relationships are perpetual, she says.

"They will never be resolved. They will always be navigated. So, two-thirds of the conflict we have will always be present. It will just show up in different ways through that arc of the relationship.”

The way to approach such deep-rooted conflicts is to not moralise and externalise, she says.

“You want to go and live in Antarctica for a year because that's your lifelong dream. I want to be here because I value stability, paying the mortgage.

“We're going to externalise it. We're going to put it on paper in front of us. It's not going to be me versus you; we're going to be a team. How are we going to negotiate and plan for this?"

But this cuts two ways, she says.

“There's got to be seasons where each person needs to be able to fly.

"Say to each other, 'Hey, I'm not comfortable actually with you doing that for the next five years. But my promise to you is that in X time, you will be able to achieve that thing.' So that's the negotiation.

"It's not a 'Yeah, do whatever you want, because this is a totally free relationship'. But it's also not 'you will never get to do that'."

A third party may well be needed for these big conversations, she says.

"We don't often have great skills for talking. We've not been modelled or been taught at a young age.

"And so having someone there to mediate really hard conversations, quite emotive conversations is really helpful.”

And don’t forget to have fun, she says.

"You need to prioritise fun in your relationship. It goes a really long way to those tricky moments. I think it's as important as conversation."

Planning for and discussing what you want, from those big life milestones, such as children leaving home or retirement, can smooth out potential conflicts, she says.

“Resentment breeds in darkness. That is where it thrives and grows, where we speak things out loud, where we say what we want, where we say what we're craving and looking for resentment doesn't get a chance to build.”