Is it ever a good idea to stay together for the kids?

Breaking up is rarely easy, especially when kids are involved.

People in unhappy relationships often attempt to stay together for the sake of children, says family lawyer and co-parenting coach Gabriella Pomare.

"I see it all the time in my practice … it usually comes up when life feels too big to blow up."

"Little kids. A mortgage. School routines. Shared friendship groups. Maybe one parent is financially dependent. Maybe they're terrified of doing handovers, two homes, Christmases apart, explaining it to grandparents, explaining it to the kids."

She says staying in the familiar discomfort can feel less scary than stepping into the unknown.

But is it ever a good idea to stay in an unhappy relationship for the sake of the kids?

And how would that work?

There are practical reasons a couple may choose to stay together, for example, finances or caring responsibilities, explains Carly Dober, a psychologist and policy coordinator at the Australian Association of Psychologists.

A fear of starting over may also keep at least one person wanting to stay.

"They might think, 'I'm anxious about being on the dating scene again' or hear stories from friends about what it's like now.

"They might think, is it really worth blowing up my whole life to go and do this?"

Dober says change – even if it's wanted – can be stressful.

"That can keep a lot of people from making a decision that is best for their partner and the family unit."

There isn't always tension, either, which may make it seem easier to continue the relationship, Pomare says.

"Sometimes it's not even explosive conflict, it's quiet disconnection. Two people co-existing. Flatmates. No intimacy. No joy. No real partnership."

Some people believe a "broken home" is worse than an unhappy marriage, Pomare says.

"Culturally, we've been taught that separation equals damage.

"[Parents] imagine trauma, instability, loyalty conflicts, financial stress, lost routines. And all of that can be hard."

But she says kids are unbelievably perceptive, and that often gets overlooked.

Children detect "emotional undercurrents", Pomare says, such as distance, resentment, silence, micro-conflict, eye rolls and withdrawal, even when parents think they're hiding it well.

"People convince themselves staying is protective, when sometimes it's just familiar."

While research shows that children's mental health can be negatively impacted by separation, it's generally due to exposure to conflict and the parents' mental health.

Most parents report their children "fared well" after separation, according to Australian research from 2020.

"Parents generally provided favourable reports of their child's health, learning, peer relationships and general development," the Australian Institute of Family Studies reported.

If both partners are on the same page about the arrangement and parenting as a strong team, staying together might work.

Parents should consider what behaviours they are modelling for their children, Dober says.

"Healthy relationship behaviours will set your children up for pretty good mental health and healthy relationship references across their lifetime.

"What are they seeing every day?"

Households that are tense, where there are frequent arguments, or it's "obvious something awful is happening", she says, may impact children's wellbeing and leave them feeling insecure about the future.

Children growing up around chronic tension and unresolved conflict might normalise disconnection or walking on eggshells, for example, Pomare says.

"Kids also internalise energy. A house can be calm on the surface but emotionally heavy underneath."

If both partners are on the same page about the arrangement and parenting as a strong team, staying together might work, says Dober.

"If it's low conflict, needs are being met, and it's functioning, then likely it's OK."

To be successful, the relationship should be respectful, emotionally safe, cooperative and genuinely stable, "even if it's not wildly romantic", Pomare says.

"Some parents operate beautifully as a parenting partnership. There's warmth, teamwork, mutual respect, and low conflict."

Kids should be shielded from difficult conversations but given age-appropriate information about how the dynamic might be shifting, Dober says.

"Young ears pick up more than you think – if any shift like this is going to happen – tell them in an age-appropriate way.

For example, "Mum and Dad, or Mum and Mum, or Dad and Mum aren't together as a couple anymore, but we are still a family, and we will always love you, and are working through this – that's just going to look a little different."

While it wouldn't be appropriate for parents to share details about their sex life, for example, they could help children understand why what they are seeing is no longer romantic, Dober says.

"If they are seeing a relationship devoid of love and affection, they will wonder why. If not now, when they are older.

"Help fill in the gaps."

Even in low-conflict situations, Dober says parents will still need to stay alert for stress responses in the children.

"Monitor that and think about what external support they might need to navigate the change, like a child psychologist."

Separation is one of the biggest transitions a family can face, says Pomare, so parents are right to feel unsure or scared.

"[But] when handled thoughtfully, with emotional intelligence and good support, kids can actually become more secure, not less.

"Your children don't need you to stay stuck. They need you to be emotionally well, grounded and available.

"It's not about choosing between your kids and your happiness. The two are often deeply connected."

It's helpful for people to chat to family and friends who have made the split, Dober says.

"[People] can ask what they might expect, how long it took to move on, what helped, and what didn't."

She says engaging a mental health professional, like a psychologist or counsellor, will provide extra support.

"It's common for relationships to 'accordion' in and out over time. There might be periods you feel very disconnected, and it might be salvageable."