How do I know if my teen is entangled in 'toxic masculinity'?

Teachers have raised a red flag about the rise of toxic masculinity in the classroom, and parents are being forced to navigate conversations about sexism with their teenagers.

A recent report highlighted the issue. The Post-Primary Teachers Association (PPTA) told RNZ some female teachers are facing severe bullying by boys.

One 13-year-old student told RNZ's Checkpoint she was forced to move schools because of the increasing racist, sexist and homophobic behaviour.

"They've started to have the attitude women should go back to the kitchen and shouldn't work," she said.

PPTA Auckland regional chair Paul Stevens says boys have become more emboldened to present these kinds of views in the classroom.

Stevens has called for government research to help and support educators and students navigating online extremism. He also wants a digital harm reduction lead at every school.

Toxic masculinity defines manhood very narrowly, setting potentially dangerous societal standards for men. It feeds off gender norm roles that pit men and women together.

The phrase ‘toxic masculinity’ is controversial as some boys and men mishear it as a criticism of maleness itself.

Most men, according to an Australian study, support gender equality and three-quarters reject the traditional, rigid model of masculinity which expects men to always be strong, in control and rigidly heterosexual.

However, a minority harbour a hatred of women and convey this anger online in what is referred to as the “manosphere”.

The PPTA report found that more teenage boys are being drawn into a world of extremism and toxic masculinity through exposure to misogynistic ideas promoted online and by infamous social media influencers.

“It’s very much arrived in New Zealand and got to the point now where we have got so many people, particularly female teachers, highlighting it that we are actually quite clear now that it is a crisis,” Stevens says.

Stevens says some students had been adopting fascist views, with one teacher saying young men at their school called themselves the “Trump Boys”.

“It’s white Christian nationalism, which, to me, is absolutely based on xenophobia because it’s making arguments about migrants, rainbow people and about women that are just absolutely horrendous,” he says.

“I think, prior to Trump, it’s the kind of views that would have really shocked us but unfortunately, it’s almost like we have become so desensitised to it.”

Clinical psychologist Dougal Sutherland says plenty of teenagers may be exposed to these misogynistic ideologies online - framed as humour, memes or commentary - making it more challenging for young people to recognise its harm.

“Algorithms take you places that you don’t necessarily want to go, but then you kind of get stuck in them,” Sutherland warns. “The more that you hear, the more that it becomes perhaps the norm to you.”

He suggests parents and caregivers keep an ear on conversations teenagers are having with their friends. And they should try and be across who and what they are interacting with online.

“It’s tempting to write it off as ‘oh, well boys will be boys,’ but I think, if you hear something that sounds sort of toxic and misogynistic, that’s a time to note that a way and later on that could be the basis of a conversation.”

Sutherland says to remain on high alert from around 11-years-old as boys hit the developmental stage when they naturally start pushing away from their family. Observe the way they treat women in their house, and in their world. That could look like talking about “women’s work” or roles that girls and women are “supposed to do”.

“Kids are generally moving away from seeing their parents and their family as the primary role models and they are looking toward other males their own age, or slightly older,” Sutherland explains. 

So when they begin to reject what their parents and family stand for, we need to observe who they are looking to instead.

Sutherland says parents concerned about their child being influenced by this type of behaviour needed to carefully pick the right time and place to have a tough conversation.

“Just bringing up ‘hey, are you into toxic masculinity?’ is probably not going to have much traction,” he says.

He recommends bringing up heavy conversations in the car, when you are sitting alongside one another.

“Just seek to understand,” Sutherland says.

“I think we often, particularly with teenagers, we want to tell them and teach them a lesson and get them on the right track, rather than encouraging them to think about their world in a different way.”

Parenting coach and educational psychologist Kathryn Berkett suggests letting a child know you are open to conversations without judgement.

Try opening a korero with lines like: “I found it hard when I was at school, some people were mean to me, I hear a lot of this stuff is happening at schools?” or “Have you heard in the news that this is happening?”

If your child responds, try ‘serve and return’ conversations, Beckett says, a type of back-and-forth interaction, like a game of tennis. If they tell you they agree with these harmful ideologies, seek their evidence and bring it into real life examples.

“Try and create environments where they have to imagine that behaviour to someone they love or care about,” she says.

This could include asking: What would it look like if that happened in real life? What if someone did that to your sister or mum? What if someone talked to your friends like that?

If a child comes home upset by toxic behaviour at school, parents first need to calm them down and help them feel better, Berkett says. If it’s a boy being influenced by toxic behaviour around them ,ask questions such as: ‘what would you do if someone did this to you?’ or ‘what if something happened to you?’

“I call it the emotional gym. We need to go to the emotional gym when we are feeling healthy, not when we are feeling sick… You go to the gym to get strong for the days that you need to lift something heavy.”

On the flipside, if your daughter is being targeted by toxic behaviour, ensure they have someone to talk to – it may not be you as a parent, but someone from school or a trusted young adult in their life.

If it’s happening at school, Berkett recommends raising the issue with the principal.

Berkett says we can’t stop exposure to extremist or violent content online, but we have more control over modelling – making sure we practice, talk about and discuss respect. The more often your brain sees, feels and hears something, the faster a connection will happen.

“We can make sure their brain is seeing, feeling, hearing the positives,” Berkett says.

“If we can’t stop it, then we counteract it.”

She suggests using positive reinforcement – like pointing out to young people when someone is being respectful.

If you’re observing toxic behaviour at home - resist the temptation to lecture boys or young men, Sutherland says. Instead, create a space for conversations, for being curious about why they believe these things and helping them unpack it.

"It takes a lot of patience and a lot of parking your judgement, but as soon as they feel judged... they get defensive.”

Try and allow the "irrationality of their argument to unwind themselves”.

Sutherland recommends broader conversations at home that are positive towards women and seek to expand on the idea of what it is “to be a man”.

“Gently breadcrumbing or sewing seeds that they might pick up on ... you’ve got to play the long game.”

Steve Sobota is co-CEO of Big Buddy, a charity that matches boys without a dad in their lives to older male volunteers. He says boys and young men need more positive male role models.

“There are all these good men out there; it's really just about encouraging our whānau to seek them out,” Sobota says.

The biggest challenges facing rangatahi are feelings of hopelessness and pressure to succeed, he says.

“Although they may default to the online world, given a chance, they want to connect with their peers face-to-face, with adults who accept them and give them time and they want to belong to something, be part of a community and find purpose and meaning.”

Sabota says that for parents, it's just about showing up for their boys.

It may seem like the problem is complex, but young men just want to feel like they are being seen, acknowledged and heard, he says.

While Berkett doesn’t believe we should take away social media all together, she says we need more control over what our children are accessing.

“We need to get rid of these things for these poor kids, because they are struggling… even the kids doing it,” she says.

“It's a full new frontier. So, any parent who is feeling overwhelmed, it’s understandable.”