We've seen Adolescence - now how do we bring the boys back?

Thanks to the hit Netflix show Adolescence many of us now know that to a 13-year-old boy, being called an incel (involuntary celibate) can be a whole lot worse than getting teased about not having a girlfriend.

To understand what's meaningful in a child's world, parents need enough digital literacy to check out the platforms where they socialise, says internet commentator Kate Lindsay.

“Even if you're not connected with your child on these platforms, try to be a user of them - even in just the sense of poking around and seeing the space," she tells Saturday Morning.

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To a young boy's ears, the label of 'incel' somehow translates to "You are like this. You were gonna be like this forever. You're never gonna be successful," Lindsay says.

When did a slur about the inability to have a romantic relationship become something a preteen boy hears as an indictment on his entire worth?

The word ‘incel’ was actually coined by a young woman to describe herself but is now, when directed at a boy, the ultimate put-down.

Boys seem to genuinely fear the label, she says, as some kind of “permanent diagnosis“ of failure.

Because many boys and men don't feel comfortable talking about insecurity or vulnerability with their friends - a “symptom of the patriarchy” - they go online to explore these feelings privately, Lindsay says.

But unfortunately, the spaces and people that make them feel welcome and understood there tend to be toxic, such as the "very destructive" online community known as the manosphere.

Its unofficial helmsman Andrew Tate is a former professional kickboxer who first became famous for training men to achieve their dreams and make money.

Over time, he “warped" into an outspoken misogynist who encourages other men to hold women to blame for all of their suffering.

The pathway young men take from seeking support online to eventually taking on the manosphere's misogyny is a “ really sneaky thing,” Lindsay says.

“Maybe you started using the internet to be like, ‘Oh, what are some ways I can be healthier?’ And suddenly you're at the other end of the spectrum and like ‘Everything about Western society is controlled by women and they must be dominated’.”

Even de-platformed, Tate still has influence over young men, so we need to diminish his power by finding new ways to legitimise young boys’ emotional struggles and teaching them about healthier masculinity.

To help prevent them from turning to the manosphere for emotional support, we need to acknowledge that its appeal is symptomatic of a broader cultural issue, Lindsay says.

Digital native kids who feel like their parents couldn't even “grasp the infrastructure” of some hurtful online interaction are often not turning to them at all.

To bridge this divide, it's helpful for parents to have some understanding of the “language” their kids are using to communicate and socialise online.

"Young people on the internet are, in many ways, speaking a different language, and there are different dialects depending on where you spend time."