The toll of living with someone who is frequently moody

There are many reasons someone can be moody, bad-tempered, or sullen, says psychologist Carly Dober. The situation can be unpredictable and stressful for people around them, she says, and regular occurrences can lead to disconnect and resentment.

"It becomes quite uncomfortable to be living with someone who you feel you are walking on eggshells around, or you don't know what mood they will be in day to day or hour to hour.

"It can impact the quality of the relationship [when] people stop spending so much time together, or communicating."

Relationship counsellor Jill Dzadey says dealing with someone who is often moody can be exhausting "if you are the person always adjusting to someone's mood".

It can also lead to feelings of loneliness and rejection, she says.

If there are children in the home, Ms Dzadey says they may learn that frequent moodiness and dysregulation are "normal" and acceptable.

"Some people's dysregulation is quite intense, and it's quite powerful and can be felt by a lot of people around them."

There are many reasons people may experience mood fluctuations.

We've tried to capture most of them here with the help of Ms Dober and Ms Dzadey:

Ms Dober says some people use moodiness to try and communicate that they are upset.

She says the expectation is people will "read their mind, which is impossible".

Gendered stereotypes about men's and women's moodiness may also play into how we express our emotions.

"It's somewhat socially acceptable for men to brood or be moody or angry," Ms Dober says as an example.

Moodiness is a form of coercive control when it's used to manipulate another person's behaviour or punish them, says Ms Dzadey.

"This could look like never really knowing what version of this person you are getting, and you might feel like you need to adjust your behaviour.

Domestic violence victim-survivor and advocate Deborah Thomson says her ex was "the king of moody".

Bridie has premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) — a condition that causes severe emotional and psychological distress in the lead-up to menstruation. She says it's been behind many relationship breakdowns.

"His moods were unpredictable but always used on his part with purpose and need to control all scenarios," the 63-year-old from Tasmania says.

"The unpredictability left me feeling as if I was living in a war zone, constantly super vigilant, waiting for the next — metaphorically speaking — bomb to drop."

Deborah says his moods were a form of psychological abuse and manipulation, where she was "assigned responsibility" to make him happy.

"To dress as he suggested, and to converse on topics he was interested in only, to such a degree I quickly lost sense of reality and the ability to discern acceptable from non-acceptable behaviour."

Ms Dzadey says moodiness is often a sign someone is struggling. Encouraging them to get support in a non-shaming way can be helpful.

"It's important to name the pattern of what you're seeing, name how it's making you feel, but do it without blame."

Ms Dober says to provide specific feedback about what you have observed.

"Maybe you have noticed they haven't been hanging out with friends as much, or going for their usual runs, or they seem more angry than usual.

"Ask, 'Is there anything going on for you?'"

She says these insights can be helpful in creating an action plan.

"What can they do? Can they go see their GP to get a blood test, or get on a mental health care plan?

"If there are big life stresses … [maybe] it's a chance to redistribute household chores [for example] if things are too much for them," she says.

The conversation should also be an opportunity for the person to hear the impact of the moodiness is having on the household or relationship, Ms Dober says.

She says the impact of frequent moodiness on the well-being of the person observing it "can't be underestimated", and it may be necessary to seek some support.

"Talk to your friends and family about the stress it might be putting you under."

You may also consider speaking to your GP, a counsellor, or a psychologist.

Ms Dzadey says it is important to set boundaries to create your own emotional safety and remember you are not responsible for someone else's moods.

"They need to own their behaviour and actions.

"The moody person needs to know that although you can be empathetic and compassionate, you need to protect yourself with your boundaries and make it clear what those are."