Flirting may be the dating reset you need, love coach says

Stuck in a dating rut? Flirting might be the litmus test you need, says American love coach Francesca Hogi.

Before becoming a relationship expert, Hogi spent more than a decade as a corporate lawyer. But her real education in love came from her own patterns.

“I was my first client,” she told Saturday Morning. “I started to get really curious, like, ‘oh, isn't it interesting that I really want to date, but every time anyone is interested in me, I kind of run the other direction’." She would even avoid eye contact for fear of rejection.

Now the bestselling author of How to Find True Love helps singles approach dating “from the inside out”, starting with self-compassionate curiosity. Romantic relationships, she says, can stir up our deepest insecurities, but fear keeps us stuck. Curiosity helps us find the answers, she says.

One exercise she does with clients is ask what they would do if they spot someone they’re attracted to. Hogi finds that most admit they'd do nothing.

“They don't feel empowered to actually even capitalise on those opportunities when they feel that inspiration.”

That hesitation, she says, often points to blind spots about self-worth and a disconnect between what we want and what happens.

Flirting, however, is often misunderstood, particularly by women in fear of being judged for it, she says. Many assume it signals clear romantic intent. But Hogi disagrees.

She defines flirting as “words and actions that are designed to make another person feel seen, special and acknowledged”.

In her book, Hogi outlines eight flirting styles. She recommends practising giving thoughtful, personalised compliments - “I love your glasses” or “That colour looks great on you” - rather than generic or sexualised remarks like ‘wow, you’re hot’.

Telling a stranger to smile, she adds, isn’t charming either, but rather hostile.

“Even if you're attracted to someone, and of course, that's going to be the case oftentimes, [but] you do not have to actively say that… just start a conversation and see them as a human, right? And if things progress, you'll get to express all of those observations.”

For those who are nervous, she suggests starting with “attentiveness”: spark a conversation with anyone - it doesn’t have to be someone you’re interested in - and let serendipity do the rest. A playful question, such as what someone would do for a year if they were guaranteed $10 million, can be revealing.

This way, you can become more open to the idea of connection with less attachment to outcomes, including dependency on dating apps, which have trained us to treat people like “an item in a catalogue”, she says.

“I think that when we are more focused on, oh, let me just be in the moment with this person. Maybe I can just make their day, just have a moment of connection and not be attached to the outcome. Just really spread some love, some good vibes in the world. I think that that is something that is in short supply.”