How to talk to your child about Auckland’s kidnapping attempts
Parents should take a balanced approach when warning and equipping their children to handle the unlikely situation that they will be kidnapped or hurt by a stranger.
Two alleged abduction attempts of children have occurred in Auckland this week, no doubt putting the fear of strange danger front and centre in parents' minds.
The first reported attempt occurred in South Auckland when bystanders had to intervene to prevent a man from pulling a child into the backseat of a car. Another suspected attempt occurred outside of Kaurilands School in Titirangi on Wednesday morning when a woman offered a child a ride in a car.
But how do you talk to children, especially young children, about dangers that are statistically rare, but also very real?
Kaurilands School in Titirangi says one of its students was approached by a woman in a car on their way into school.
RNZ / Marika Khabazi
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“...We want children to have that knowledge to feel calmly confident in how to spot tricky behavior, spot unsafe behaviour but also to have confidence that the world is mostly made up of safe people and helpers,” says clinical psychologist and mother of three Jacqui Maguire in an interview with RNZ’s Nine to Noon.
Here are her tips and tricks in addressing stranger danger with your kids in a safe way:
Start young
Maguire began age-appropriate conversations with her kids from around the age of four. Those conversations should always be age-appropriate, and parents should project an atmosphere of calm and authority.
“...emotions are contagious, so the manner in which my husband and I have those conversations is really important. We don't want to breed anxiety and fear into the world.”
During those conversations, stay clear and calm
Keeping the conversations G-rated can be difficult with the adult nature of the topic. Maguire uses simple phrasing to help children spot unsafe behaviour in adults they know or don’t know.
“If an adult ever asks you to keep a secret, if an adult ever shows you a picture that makes you feel uncomfortable, if an adult ever shows you someone else's body? If an adult ever asks to see your body, if an adult ever asks you to come just with them and to not tell mum or dad or other adults, if any of that happens, what do you do?”
No. Go. Tell.
Maguire encourages kids to trust the “yucky” feeling in their stomachs if an adult, older child or teenager is making them feel uncomfortable. In those instances, all kids have to remember is to say no, leave the person’s space and go tell a safe adult.
It’s worth outlining what a safe adult could be. It might be someone such as another parent they know, a librarian or someone in a uniform.
Maguire says this phrase can also help kids out in less dangerous situations, such as when another child is kidnapping them at preschool.
Do role plays
One day, during a bush walk, Maguire was having a conversation about stranger danger with her kids, so she took the chance to do some role plays. Despite the bleak subject, she made it fun.
"If somebody stopped the car next to you and they said hey look I have all these yummy lollies from the dairy do you want them and I got them to put them with their hands up 'no thank you and run away' and so they practiced that.”
Having it in an informal setting - not like a sit-down family meeting at the dinner table - helps kids not feel like they are in trouble.
“It is just about me supporting you to be safe and be wise as you grow up.”
Remember: the danger is usually closer to home
As jarring as stories about alleged abduction attempts are, parents need to remember where the most likely danger is coming from. About 90 percent of child abuse instances are perpetrated by an adult known to the child, according to the Department of Corrections.
Often, shame or threats from an offending adult can intimidate a child into keeping silent about a known adult’s inappropriate behaviour. Preemptively let your child know that they will not get in trouble if they disclose somebody they feel is threatening or unsafe.
"’I will always take your side. I will always believe you. Even if it was my best friend, an uncle, the neighbour, your voice will always be heard first," says Maguire, of what to tell kids.
